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Peaces Of Me++++
++++ The miles just keep rollin as the people leave there way to say hello I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go |
Nov 29/03 "To the store" Nadia ended up going 2 hours out of her way to go "to the store" last night, they drove all the way to Kingston. They got home at 4am. Drunken Detector Brent tried the door combination at 3am but he couldn't figure it out. Best lock combination ever! If someone is drunk they cannot open it! He was with the boys, which is preferable to him spending too much time with TJ right now. Brent went Bar Hopping last night, which is a rare occurrence since he only has only recently had the finances. Snow Caesar still likes to bulldoze his body headfirst through the snow. He had a bark fest in the first park and 4 dogs in he second park left their masters to search him out. James said that there were too many dogs at the park today. A bull dog was there and when the husky a bull dog started to fight Caesar came right back to James, and meekly sat right beside him. He was completely unnerved. Sickos Two kids are very frustrated with us right now. They are sick and they still want to do their thing but I won't let them go to the Craft Sale at the school. Monica is supposed to be working it with her friends but she is just get everyone else sick. April is to baby sit tonight but she is still full of cold. If they are stuck she will go but... Show me the Money Brent went to work for 4 hours today in order to get his commission but had luck at all. For some strange reason, maybe because it is the first day of snow, they had hardly any sales so he doesn't get his commission again- it doesn't sound right to me. He works so hard for minimum wage. I wish we had bought all the Christmas gifts that we intend to buy from him so that he could have got his commission. James joked that he would even let Brad give us the $20 or so that we would have saved with his employee discount. Hey Mommy! It may be my sickness that made me write this... But I hope you enjoy it! bye bye! Luv~!~*~!~*~!~*~April Edwards! Hey Mom! I know I haven't let you in my life a lot... So here's a little preview! Hope you like it! I love ya! My School Life All my public school years, I acted like I was the coolest person there, I knew I wasn't... I always knew I had more friends then pretty much everybody... But there was always someone standing all over me, making sure I wasn't on top. At first, it was Lauren... The cute, preppy girl... Then there was Randi, the goody-goody... Then there was Carling, she thought she was SOO good! And there was Tori... Maybe my biggest competition. She was smart, pretty, athletic, and always hung out with all the guys! Then there was Erin, acted as if she were my best friend, then tells everyone else I'm not. And still today, Chelsea. Chelsea is truly indescribable, a huge flirt, a stealer of every guy I ever liked, sporty, always hung out with the popular people-to be thought of as cool. Every time I had something good happen to me, she would just blow it off and say something even BETTER then what I did. Now that I'm in high school, I choose who I hang out with. I may not be the most popular girl, but now I don't have to be the best. I can just be myself and hope that the people I chose will accept me for who I am. And so far, I hang out with a group that lets me be me, and a little of them too! Vanessa, Krista, Michelle, and Jesse have been the best friends I could ever hope for. When I'm with them, they don't expect some goody goody or preppy. They expect ME! April! And being accepted after all these years, is the best feeling in the whole world! Brent stayed at TJ's tonight. They are back together but he doesn't seem to be in a hurry to bring his TV and computer back to her house. Annie at 11/30/2003 04:05:00 a.m. Best Made Plans April's plans with her new set of friends sounded dark ans sinister. We asked for the phone number but she wouldn't or couldn't provide it. I told her that we needed to speak to her mom. The girl wants to walk home then go the opposite direction to the bank which would take over an hour, then go back home, then go to the city. I figure that they would be in a bus or train for almost 4 hours. It sounds like they just don't want us to know where they are so I said no. I just don't feel comfortable with the details. Caesar run ragged chasing the fastest dogs and catching him. Stacy finally went out tonight. Jodi phoned around 8 and she went tree shoe hunting and to Jodi's for a movie. Monica spent the whole evening over at Cory's, came home with a sore throat. Nadia and Derrick and her hommies went "to the store" and told us not to expect then until very late. Annie at 11/29/2003 04:22:00 a.m. Night Moves Fell asleep early last night so I guess somehow Nadia felt comfortable waking me up at 4:30am to use my computer. I said no but I found myself staring at the ceiling anyway, so here I am. At that point TJ asked Brent to help her out with her computer since he took his home she doesn't have a working one. She had been using my monitor and she needed a video card or something so Brent provided her with one. He told us that he would walk home but we insisted that he phone us. Normally I am a light sleeper and would know if he came home. My curiosity got the best of me so I tip toed to his room and was sad to see it was empty but it is his choice. He knew that she needs constant attention and her history, I am surprised that he stayed with her this long. Brent trusts people but when he finally gets to the point where he has had it, he has a long memory and tends to hold grudges. I heard what I thought was Caesar being sick so I ran downstairs and found Brent asleep on the chesterfield. Thank you. Monica Cody 2 Years Monica had her 2nd anniversary with Cory today-imagine 13 years old with a long term relationship. She opened her locker to a cascade of balloons a vase with 2 white roses, a teddy bear, a gold heart shaped ring, and a pillow with Cory's picture and a note that she was to read after school. Nice. She gave him a coke classic cookie jar filled with candies and a vanilla coke, she hates it and she never wants him to buy it because she likes sharing his drink. She got him a double picture with 2 recordings too. A lot for 13 year olds. Now what do they do for Christmas? Domestication Nadia and Derrick went grocery shopping for me and Derrick cooked supper. I love it! Together Again Well that was quick! TJ is in Brent's life again, not that she really left. She phoned, again, and they talked for a while. I agreed to drive him there so we could have a chance to talk about TJ. I told him that he was always a nice person and that I didn't want him getting dragged down into the physical fighting like her last 2 boyfriends did. He said "Mom, I am not the kind of guy that would hit a girl." "Ok Brent you can take it that way but I meant, don't let her put you in the situation that you will be defending yourself against other guys like her old boyfriends." I potty train, she pot trains! When I picked him up for the drive home I asked if they were working it out and he was trying to tell me and then he just said, "I'm really stoned right now, mom." Great, why does he smoke that shit when he is with her? Never mind I already know the answer. They smoked it right in her basement with her parents upstairs! How could they not smell it? Why couldn't I smell it until he mentioned it? He munched down all the goodies I had in my car and to take the edge off my frustration I double-talked my son until he was in a state of total confusion. Fire trap Stacy stood her grounds in an attempmt to track down the smell of smoke that only she could smell. A light in her room had been knocked over against a pair of pants. When she searched her room she moved the pants and as she did the cloth ignited in her hands. We were very lucky. This weekend everyone stays home until all the rooms are clean. Annie at 11/28/2003 04:30:00 a.m. Reconciling? TJ phoned last night late so I wonder if they have come to any terms. It was so good to have Brent with us while we experienced a new restaurant...Joe Alfreido's. The food and family was perfect. We got a kick out of the Dino bones and Fred Flintstones buffalo ribs. Tonight we had a busy house. It is hard to get a hold of a computer around here right now, even though we have 4, they are all tied up with homework and projects. April's Lingo List Here is a list of the new shorter lingo... I'll try to make it sound like something you would say! Yo Hello Wat Up? or Whatcha doin What are you doing? lol Laugh Out Loud Ttyl Talk To you Later luv ya I love you Brb Be Right Back n2m Not too Much you? How about yourself? u you ya Yes Naw No G2g or gtg - Got to go (I'm leaving) b4 Before 2day Today Rolf Roll on Floor Laughing (not many people use this one) Omg Oh my god! Ppl People Ur Your Thx Thanks No Prob No Problem Gotta Have to Well I think that is the majority of sayings! I hope I got you up to date on that stuff! lol... and if you want to put a smile... you don't have to write it out... just push :-) okay? sad :-( crying :'( Tounge sticking out :-P okay... well that is that! For Christmas I have no idea what I would like! Ummm, candy is always good! I can't think of anymore! Well I gotta go! I'll ttyl! Luv ya lots! April Annie at 11/27/2003 04:48:00 a.m. Mud bowl Caesar ran with the pack today and while every onther dog ran past the mud bowl ceasar ran right into it and sat down, everyone groaned as he came back and whipped his body againt the other white dogs. Zak joined Caesar in the mud but rolled through it. Trouble in Paradise Brent marched out of TJ's house with his TV, it has been in for repairs earlier so I thought nothing of it. When he brought out his monitor I knew something was wrong. Yes Brent and TJ have split up. I asked only a few guarded questions that I was already sure of the answers. Are you upset about this? Did you end it? He went home, deposited his computer and TV in the living room and then went to his room for a couple hours. Strange but the kids barely asked questions, only Nadia asked what all the clutter was in the living room. Life goes on for everyone else, with not a thought of what is going on in someone else's life. I am starting to believe Nadia when she talks of the 'Turkey drop', a phenomena that occurs between the Canadian and American Thanksgiving more College age kids break up than any other time. Brent phoned James and I and asked for food and we got what ever he wanted. James asked him a few questions and what we always believed to be happening was confirmed. He can't deal with dishonestly and she has been telling him that she was meeting up with friends but in fact was meeting up with her old boyfriend. It is hard to believe that she had the time to see him because Brent and her are together so much but he has had regular work hours so I guess she gets restless very easily. So James did what any good parent would. We sat down with him and got him feeling no pain. He needed the outlet and he seemed in great spirits later on in the evening if you can pardon the pun! I hate to see Brent hurt though. I am sure he thought a lot of her to stay as long as he did amongst the constant rumours of her infidelity. He is a nice guy so I hope he doesn't get a hard shell because of this. Annie at 11/26/2003 04:00:00 a.m. Caesar searched out all the park puddles today and although he didn’t drop in the puddle he managed to get a mud moustache and sport mud boots! Learning the Ropes After being so disillusioned with not getting his commission. Brent has his sight set on spiffs as he feels that the commission goal is unrealistic. I don’t’ think commission is unattainable. I am sure he will understand what he needs to get commission. He works in a small store with twice as many employees as they had last year. The part time salesman is so unsure of himself that Brent ends up with the customer and the sales. Brent feels the guy should know the products since he was hired before him so he doesn’t feel bad about it taking the sales. Besides if the guy is always asking Brent for help, then Brent can’t sell to other customers. James was in Hamilton to see new factory. Chiropractor James and I both had appointments for the Chiropractors. I am leery about having my neck manipulated and I am trying so hard not to resist when I feel him about to adjust but it is so difficult! James doesn’t like the idea of neck work done at all, too many bad stories, but I need some relief. I can’t see myself not ever being able to turn my head. Nadia is still hobbling around. Testing her Limits Against my better judgement, Monica tried to play basketball without her cast but it was too tender. She said it was too tender so she put her cast back on. The Principal was going to restrict her from sports all together but I said that Monica has to learn and if the consequence is that she can’t play sports for the rest of the season then she will have to live with it. She has done everything that we have asked of her in the last 3 weeks so we have to rely on her good judgement of what she can do. Stacy keeps losing her work somehow on the computer Change of Life Change of Life is a strange saying because every stage of raising children is a change in your life. Ideas that you think you believe in are tested daily and you have to revamp your opinions in so many circumstances. You have to adapt to what is happening around you at that moment. I am now in the change of life. At least I think I am. I asked my doctor for the blood tests that determines if you are and he said hat there was no reason for it anymore since hormone replacement want’ a normal course of action anymore. He got annoyed when I told him that my brother still used the tests. They should call it the change of no life because now no life can grow in me. I didn't think this was a big deal until I was talking to a few women my age. They started complaining about all these irritable things that are happening to their bodies and how unbearable it has been. Someone asked me and I said that I guessed that I was through menopause because I hadn’t had a period in about 5 months. Everyone went quiet and they said, "What do you mean, I guess? You should know." Well apparently I have not had the symptoms that they were all complaining about. I just stopped, that is it, end of story. Some of them have been experiencing night sweats and a whole list of problems that I don’t even care to remember. I guess I am lucky. It is strange; the baby era was one of huge adventure. Toward the end it was trying for me because I kept thinking that I was pushing my luck with the healthy babies, I was lucky and I know it. Too soon it will be time for my babies to begin their lives with new lives, and I will enjoy that stage, I am sure. Not so subtle messages Nowadays you can get a message across to people even if you aren't in contact. Whether Sullivan has been talking to Stacy or not all she has to do is look at his name of msn. There is always some way to let the person you know and everyone else know how you feel about someone. Sullivan’s name of msn is now ‘No matter what I do your image is burned into my heart.’ A Trifle gift Monica was frustrated that I wouldn't let her buy a gift for Cory’s mom for her birthday. I suggested that she be creative instead of me buying a gift. If she could do something different Sharon would remember that more than a gift. So she made her a Trifle, got the recipe from her Grammie who was delighted at the request. We couldn't find a big glass bowl so Monica borrowed Stacy's huge wine glass. She did such a terrific job. Sharon was so touched that she got a huge teary-eyed hug. Annie at 11/25/2003 04:44:00 a.m. Achilles heel Nadia and Stacy have found April's vulnerable spot. She doesn't want to talk about sex. So Nadia brought out the book and began reading it to her. Stacy interrogated her, assuming that she drank last night and tried to trip her up on it. I don't see it that way and I usually can sense it. When April said that she helped baby-sit, Stacy interrogated April about whether she was really babysitting. Stacy jumped up and began to pump her hips Ace Ventura style. I guess the tease of the family has to learn to take it too if she is so good at dishing it out. I was surprised that Stacy gyrated like that. I guess part of Sullivan did rub off on her and for that I am grateful. It is nice to see her louder. April hung out around until 8:30. Leanne was over when she got home. Late Night Conversations Brent asked me to pick him up late from TJ's so I was able to discover Monica downstairs hiding while on the phone. I have to keep tabs on Monica. I have caught her a couple times lately sneaking on the phone after midnight. I don't know what to do about her. Even when I let him come here until 12:30 the other night I still caught her sneaking on the phone after. They are too close for their age. For the first year and a half they just seemed like best friends but now you can feel their closness. She has always been headstrong and since she can't do sports right now she is putting all her energies to evil- just joking of course. I think most parents wouldn't have allowed them to go out in grade 6, at least that is what alot of parents have told me. But all that means is they end up sneaking around behind your back. Anyway Monica has settled down (I hope) I just heard her wake up Stacy getting into bed so she isn't very popular right now. Dad's Sermon Sifting through piles of papers I found my dad's book of poems and the sermon that meant so much to me when he died. I was very angry with my dad being out of my life and mad at god. I couldn't understand why a good man had to be taken when there are so many people that dont contribute to society at all. Finding the sermon he wrote calmed my spirits. I no longer get a tightness in my jaw when I think of religion, I am all right knowing that my dad knew that "even this shall pass away". I will always miss him though. Annie at 11/24/2003 04:59:00 a.m. Home Improvements On the way to buy the furniture James was teasing Monica and told her that the first thing he sa going to do was call the first salesman he saw for fatty. Monica kept insisting that daddy wouldn't be so mean. As soon as a salesman came up to us James asked for Faddy. The salesman looked at James incredulously and James all of a sudden was uneasy. The he asked if there were a salesman named Faddy there and the salesman informed James that he must have the wrong store. I was laughing so hard I could barely see through the tears. Monica felt a little better in the next store when James again asked for Faddy and actually got a positive response. We both liked the dark wood sleigh bed. Some of the dressers are so huge they look like Fred Flinstone furniture. What we chose looks small in comparison but in normal rooms I am sure will look just fine. I hate shopping. We did some comparison shopping but I maintained that we have used the same flooring store for the pst 15 years so we should stck to our trusted relationship. Turns out they had the best deleivery and prices so we were both happy. We have a light Oak lamentnet flooring. Volleyball tourney Monica could only cheer. The kids were happy to see her, her coach looked puzzled. She is still part of the team and she can learn by watching until she is healed and back in the line up. Nadia twisted her ankle out on the front lawn and Derrick and Natasha took her to the hospital for x-rays. Cory came over again which I am pleased to see. Makes their relationship look more give and take but I guess they are in the phase where he wants to please Monica. Soon to follow will be the withdrawl and cocooning at his house. That is the part I hate - when she feels like she has to do everything his way. April went to Coral and then stayed overnight at Chantele's Stacy's way I am thinking of trying to talk to Stacy about things again. I tried but she didn't say anything so we just sat there saying nothing just looking lonely. She just sorted through her grandfather's old keepsakes. I just asked how she was doing and she didn't say anything except that she is bored. But that is her choice. Maybe it is just not Sullivan, maybe she is analysing all of her friendships too. Because she sure isn't with any of them OR maybe she really only wants to do her studies, it might be just that simple. Maybe she is simplifying every part of her life for now. A simple life can look like a happy life. I think that many people are happy because they don't think too much about what they are doing. So happy people can be simple people. They don't question, they only accept. They are living right down the middle, never getting the true highs and lows on the roller coaster of life, just the middle of the line. I think that is all Stacy can know right now. And because she is young, and so innocent, that is just fine with me. She can know ecstasy, love, heartache and sorrow later, lets just be nice and happy for now. I don't want that for her forever, just for now. Annie at 11/23/2003 04:54:00 a.m. Mmmmm, I'm Driving my Life Away I drove April and Jeff to high school. I drove Monica to school with her crutches. I drove Brent to work. I drove Stacy to College. By mid morning I was not feeling well so James took over. He drove to pick Monica up for lunch and back. He drove to the Brent's store. Brent was hungry, broke and alone at work. He drove Nadia to drop something off a College. James was not happy with all the driving that he now realizes I do most days. He was quite fed up. So pissed off that I took over again. I drove Monica home after school. I drove Brent from work and to TJ's. I drove Brent back from TJ's I drove Cory and Cody home. And Derrick was over...but I didn't have to drive him! Gramma Visit Gramma came over on her own steam. It is sometimes hard to understand her and she is feeling more emotional after her stroke but no one minds her quite tears. She was always a rock of strength before. We had an early dinner at 4:30. Shower please All day I wanted a shower, all day I had to wait. First there was a line up. Then there ws no hot water. Everyone else was more important. James kept saying that I looked good, it didn't matter but it did to me, especially when he dragged me to breakfast in my dog walking clothes. First Paycheck Brent is so disappointed with his paycheck. Seems that they divide up the hours he works and if you don't get enough sales per hour you lose your commission. Brent brought in at least 75% of the sales and he still got no commission. I think that is low. April's Report Card April brought home a wonderful report card, the best she has ever had - 82% April stayed overnight at Coral's. Chelsea is phoning her but no one will answer anymore- a decision everyone made on their own. Annie at 11/22/2003 04:31:00 a.m. Walking in the Rain Even though it is my day to walk the dog James took pity on me. I can't not walk Caesar, he needs his 9am walk and rain does't matter. So James and I walked Caesar in the drizzle. We usually spread ourselves apart so that he can run in-between us and usually has quite a workout. This time the herder instinct prevailed and he would circle me and eventually grabbed my coat sleeve and tired to drag me back to James! Attimes like this you feel that you are the only two alive and the world is ours alone…oh yeah and the dog too! We had a great time together. Pitching clinic Only two kids made the long haul into Toronto for the pitching clinic. April was excused, she wanted to see her schools Idol Contest. Amanda M sang and won $500. Stacy had too much schoolwork. Nadia pitched so hard and is eager to learn. The coach admires her stamina. Nadia still pitches with dead accuracy even when her style is being changed. Interview Stacy interviewed the markting manager at the NHL head office in Toronto. We had to practice with the recorder but we couldn't get it to work for us but she had no problem once she was there.The manager was 15 minutes late and Stacy had to wait in the main office for her to get there. Annie at 11/21/2003 04:46:00 a.m. Cleaning Just finished supper we have been cleaning all day and we are beat. We are tired of our bedroom being the drop off spot every time the kids clean something. Our bedroom seems to be the way station for anything that they don't know where to put - it ends up in our room. No more. Bought a recorder so Stacy can interview marketing manager at the NHL. X-rays Yes! X-rays confirmed that Monica's ankle is not broken so she was able to walk on the cast without crutches for the first time. She was allowed to walk at school without her crutches this afternoon but needed them in the evening when it was throbbing with pain. I brought her to volley practice but they were shocked that she was dedicated enough to visit the girls. They brought everyone uniform except Monica's so she was disappointed. Brent went to Adam's for the evening. Nice to see but he complained that he seems so depressed. Cleaning our room Today I am getting rid of clothes some of which I have had since I was a teenager. It's funny how even some old clothes can bring back memories. I threw out an old red top that I haven't worn in years. It is a top that I could wear no matter how skinny or large I am but it is threadbare now. This was the first top that I actually got Nadia to wear that clung to her body so that you could tell she was female. She had to wear red for a Christmas's concert and she was horrified that this was the only available top she could wear. At 13 years of age it was a time in her life that boys clothes or something 3 times the size is all that she would wear. I can still picture her standing in front of the mirror and actually appreciated what she saw. IM Annie - Yes Stacy loved the picture, and it is the first time that she has spoken your name so that has to be good eh? Stacy wants to frame it. Sullivan - I gave it to her yesterday, we hung out for a little at lunch. It was really nice to see her, but the second I saw her did, my heart started to race, I was so scared, I don't know, it was really weird...I was almost sick after my stomach was in knots everywhere. Annie at 11/20/2003 04:00:00 a.m. Side by Side The old man hobbled along the street today looking quite alone. His wife is not by his side. Over the years their pace has slowed down, and a cane has appeared for both of them but throughout the seasons the one thing that never changes is there hand holding. This is a sight that we have seen frot he last 15 years. He was alone. I hope she is all right. It made Brent sad. It is nice to notice how much my kids want the old couple to be together too. Hostile Takeover! Stacy took over her group complained about here work, took the group to the teacher and now the teacher will be having everyone in the group mark how each person performed. In the meantime she has demanded everyone’s input so she can get it up to the standards that she wants. This is actually good for Stacy. She is getting mad enough to voice her displeasure. Throw away that shyness and bitch at them Stace! Hobbit for the Hobbler Nadia helped Monica with her project on the hobbit by making the label for her cd. Monica was to make a cd relating to the hobbit. This project has held her interest ever since her injury and it was good to see her put all her energy into instead of lamenting on her lack of sports. Annie at 11/19/2003 04:39:00 a.m. SHE'S DRIVING US NUTS My sports kid has been sidelined with either a broken ankle or sprain, they can't decide. In any event she is stuck in a cast for 6 weeks. She is missing out on volleyball, soccer basketball, right now and she is so bored that SHE IS DRIVING US CRAZY!!!!!! She is so bored. She is fine at school - it is just when she gets home she wants me to drop everything and do for her. She wants to buy Cory a watch, engraved of course, for there 2 year anniversary but I think that is too much for 13 year olds, they are rushing everything. Would it be interfering if I talked to his mom about what they should be doing and spending, because the money comes from us so maybe we should have some control over what they do. Not much she can get for $12 now is there! Deadlines My people with deadlines are all stressed out right now. The college term is climaxing into a flurry of many sleepless nights and huge disappointments with 2 of my kids as they discover that their group work hasn't been completed. Group assignments, what that word has always translated in our home, if you want a good mark, you are going to have to do all the work of the group to get the mark you want. The others are supposed to work as a group but when it all comes together, one person really does all the work. Stacy has a major project due today. Despite trying to get her group to work together and doing what each person was assigned, she discovered this morning that not one of her group actually did any work. They are all scrounging around trying to hand something worthy in. Stacy on the other hand has 8 pages that she was responsible for. She gathered up the pitiful attempts of the others, came home and is rewriting whatever she can. I think that she will know better next time and do it all on her own to begin with. That is what Nadia does. Stacy has other group assignments due this week so I expect that she will get little sleep. Live and learn! My Teen Buddy Brandon phoned for Brent and ended up talking to me for half and hour. He is just an easy person to talk to. At first my thoughts were that he must be lonely at College to be talking to someone's mother but then I remember that sometimes he drops by or phones and just plains converses with me. He invites me to come down when Brent has parties and he invited me to his birthday so I guess he feels more comfortable in our friendship than I do. Sometimes you shouldn't try to figure out where you fit in, sometimes you just do. April's Melody April has discovered music lately in other words her involvement in music She has a terrific voice and finally now is using it and learning guitar so I am happy for her. April invited Jesse over for the evening. He is teaching her about the guitar but he really seems to like her as a person. He had Chinese food with us, was very hungry. Apparently we are one of the few people who know where he lives. Every one time I have driven them anywhere he gets picked up at a friends or dropped off close to home. Now I find out that he was nowhere nears home, just uncomfortable as to what he calls home. He knows Sullivan from Cadets. Annie at 11/18/2003 04:26:00 a.m. Decorating 101 Looked for bedroom furniture, which I hate. Where are my girly hormones? Why do I hate shopping so? James has been looking for me, he knows how much I hate to shop. We both have the same taste and I trust his judgement. He is looking at solid wood, to me it doesn't matter but he wants quality. Job Placements Nadia is trying for a job placement as she is nearing the end of college. She was happy with how the interviews went, but she was rejected for both jobs. She is now realizing that sport management is a man's world as she has been passed up lately although she is the one with all the experience and the top marks. Sucks eh? Derrick got a placement with the Leafs. Nadia doesn't have one yet though. I have the horrible feeling that reality has shown its ugly head and her weight is affecting her marketability. In her spare time Nadia showing me how to make a template. I really want to learn all about HTML and make a template on my own. This knowledge does not come easily to me but after the 10th time I think it will sink in! Employee Brent Brent is enjoying his new job but other companies are trying to entice him to work for them. I think that type of recruitment is kind of low, coming to watch him work and then asking him to come work for them. He is very interested but hopefully he will wait to see how this job pans out. If the other company wants him badly enough they will offer you more. After work Brent went to Adam's and watched a movie that they downloaded. It was good to see them together again. With most of Brent's friends in College out of town maybe they can try to get back to their boyhood friendship. Annie at 11/17/2003 04:59:00 a.m.
Friends that are boys April went out with some new guys this afternoon, the first time she went out with guys outside of our area, she knows them from school. One of the guys that she didn't know mentioned that April was so shy and the other guys looked at him incredulously and laughed. When those two guys left, she was herself. She said that she didn't know how to act and I said to act like the person they already know. April just had friends come over for a sleepover.There are 2 guys here too but they will be leaving in a while. I am pleased that she is finding new friends. I haven't heard from Chelsea in quite a while, I am happy about that. Nadia was out with Natasha again tonight. I think she has overdosed on all the assignments she had this week. The one that she was so uptight for on Thursday she didn't even get to present. They bought Christmas ceramics, she is painting one for Derrick's mom. Sullivan about Stacy Hopefully Stacy is doing whatever she felt she needed to do when she broke up with me, I don't want to know that I am going through all this for no reason, I hope she is doing what she has to do and what she set out to do. Hopefully I can too, I want to figure things out for myself, and know if I what if am feeling is more than just clinging on to what was, if what I am feeling is true I want to know that I can deal with it, and not me just being afraid of moving on. I just don't believe all of this is still happening, when I think about it I still don't fully understand what is going on I know, maybe I need to look at what I would be missing out on with her, as well as what I am missing out on without her. Right now though I am still firm in my convictions, I still love your daughter and care for her deeply, that won't change, just the way we relate to each other will. She is young and I accept that, I can't feel hatred towards her because she didn't do anything to me, she just has soul searching to do, she is too new to the world. I guess I was just more in tune with myself and my needs than she was, I saw what I wanted and went after it, she just needs to find out what kind of things she wants and needs for herself. Annie at 11/17/2003 04:49:00 a.m. Because I have had this annual conversation with James so many times I spontaneously yelled HELLO, knowing there was a chance that he might be hung over and I would cause momentary suffering. The thought of that delighted me. I didn't think that I would scare him so much that he almost ran off the road. You see, I forgot he has an earphone not speaker phone so my HELLO went right through him. Yes I laughed uncontrollably and I am a little nervous too, because he will get me back! Stacy is living with her loneliness and she is almost enjoying it. She is disillusioned with her friends because they keep cancelling on her. Sullivan called tonight and she gave him cheery responses, looked genuinely happy. Talked until the movie came on she had just rented. I have to wonder what kind of influences her friends have when Jodi mocks a nice text message from Sullivan - just talking to her gives her ammunition against Sullivan. I wish Stacy didn't listen but I think she does. She has to ignore the little quips her friends have about any guy she is with. Monica has matured her individual thinking, I have noticed several times when someone has said or done something to diss Cory, she closes that door so fast that everyone realizes that they can't shake her faith in her boyfriend. They are yelling at me to come watch the movie. Bye! I don't know why I even bothered. A big part of the reason I don't watch movies these days is because I get yanked away from it, I am always interrupted. I had to leave to drive April and her friends bowling and then to get Brent from TJ's house. The last time they wouldn't rewind it back to where I left so I gave up. Brent the Protector. I wasn't with Brent when our fourth daughter's birth was announced but I could imagine the serious look on his face. I wanted him to feel good about being the only boy but I didn't want to put words in his mouth. At the hospital visit he came right up to me and I asked him if he was all right. He knew what I meant, even though he has just turned 4, he had a look older than his years. "I guess I will have to be the protector". And he was. Anyone messed with his sisters had to deal with him. Hit my sister with a snowball and you have this fist thrown at you. I tried to relieve him of that role, even extracted a promise from him to leave Stacy's suitors alone. Just as he began to relax from that role the weasel lurked about and I asked him to interfere. But this new step really bothered me. TJ's sister told him that if ever he heard any one the girls yelling for help he was to protect them from their stepfather. That really makes me uneasy, but is that the way all people see him? Annie at 11/15/2003 04:15:00 a.m. Drinking As I checked my computer this morning, curious to the whereabouts of the blogger Plain Layne, James asked me if I was all right. I turned my chair towards him to defend myself but admitted that I drank too much last night. I don't know why, when I was first offered a drink I envisioned a chilled clear pop, but I said yes to white wine. He asked me if there were anything wrong that would make me want to drink so much in the last couple of days. I haven't really thought of myself as ever having a problem with drinking. But on the party night he mentioned to me that I had drank enough, and suggested I stop. I ignored his advice. I think that I might be sadder than I realized and that the drinks were a moment where I might not have to think of the reasons why. The party and the reasons it actually all came about have really disillusioned me. I have to get past that - James says. I have to try, I have to let things go. The fact that kids were arriving at my door by their parents and with their full knowledge that the kids were going to be drinking shows that Amy planned this party in advance of even asking Stacy to have one. I guess it had to happen to James one day but I never imagined Mr Perfect hair would ever have a bad hair day. But today he had BED HEAD. Turfs of stray hair were in swirls, and angles, showing skin parts in the back. Hair that should have been sticking straight up as it usually does, was off to the side. The surprising parts in his coif are revealing newly emerging grey. He questioned my smile; I beckoned him to the mirror, in a teasing manner enjoying what would happen when he realized he was not the hair god anymore. "Fix it...help me!". In the end he had to go upstairs and gel it in place. His hair, when I first met him was in an Afro, but when he didn't over style it, he had a mass of soft curls bouncing all over his head. I always loved that I could rise to my tippy-toes in a crowd and find him, by seeing who had the nicest most perfect hair. He has never been upset that the grey wars have been taking place over the years. People always felt the need to enlighten him that he was going grey, like they were telling him something he didn’t know, but he would always smile at them and say, "At least I have hair." The curl is going as the straight grey hair is taking over. I welcomed him to my world of bad hair. Blogging Janice of Was I screaming has been encouraging me to blog. The only time I ever broke my silence, offering advise on the Internet, she contacted me. I was excited by her email, I felt like a child who had got caught someplace where I had no right to be. Quite a while ago I began to scour the internet and I found a chain of writers who voice their opinions commenting into other people blogs. It seems they are all connected in their lives without really knowing each other. It is a personal touch in a world of strangers, people knowing private things but not knowing the person at all. I had to think about that for weeks. I know what she means about html being a foreign language. Nadia tried a couple of years ago to get me interested, I had months of my diary set up but I still didn’t know what I was doing and gave up. Now I want to know. I want to learn and I can learn using my diary and perhaps I might learn from others as I try to understand … whatever it is that people need to understand about themselves. Plain Layne has reinvented herself and helped solve my fears about blogging. I think I will try, all the templates I have already created are now thrown by the wayside as they reveal too much of my personal whereabouts. I have enough pictures that won’t reveal my family but still make me believe that I have a creative side. Potty Mouth Trying to correct potty mouth April. Between Omigod and what the hell, there is more colour in her conversations, she makes it so humorous that she slips it by us. We have to be consistent but how can we be, when most of the time we have to turn around because she has made us laugh when we are trying to discipline? New York trip she isn't looking for a job, so I don't feel inclined to help out at all. Monica is going bonkers trying to be sedentary...she was sick today but put up a fight to go back to school. I wouldn't let her because she felt sick to her stomach when she finally woke up she wanted to go back then. Boys Nite out Its too ugly to go outside, I have to drive to Scarborough tonight without James as he is out with the boys for his annual work related fun with his buddies. They rented a van James's brother drives them from bar to bar. I was not looking forward to it the drive on the 401 so Derrick suggested that he drive into Scarborough for pitching clinic and I was keen on the idea. Besides, I don't want to see Amy, the thought of her planning that party really bothers me. She did take advantage of Stacy and our home. Everyone is working on different computers right now, Stacy lost the work she did last night so she is redoing it - somehow other work got saved over it, some of her rough work is in other places, they think I have a virus but I just did a virus check and nothing showed up. Monica talked to Sullivan on messenger tonight and ended up having Stacy ask him to phone, they talked for about 45 minutes. Even though it was Monica's idea to talk to him Sullivan was nervous about over stepping his bounds. I have come to the understanding that Stacy is not capable of giving anymore of herself than she has and that she will need to find herself in her own time. I just hope she doesn't try it all alone without talking to someone hopefully me. Years ago she told me that she hated how people tossed the word love around. Sullivan said it to her so quickly, that I believe she dismissed his feelings and now that she actually realizes he does, she is resenting him for it. I wonder if she will ever let someone love her? Stacy hasn't been going anywhere except the places she has to go, like work, other than that she has been staying at home. Annie at 11/14/2003 04:45:00 a.m. Lunch with Dave and Marita. I have been doing a lot of soul searching regarding Stacy's situation. The times she has talked to me about Sullivan, she was bothered by the fact that he told her he loved her right away. I got the feeling that she was trying to say that if he said it right away then he couldn't mean it so why could he mean it now? How would she know if he did really love her for sure? The more she has mentioned it, the more of a liability it has become. It has been more than a fleeting feeling that she might be testing his love to see if he really does have those true feelings. She says she loves him but is she penalizing him for saying it too soon? I would not be talking to Sullivan at all about my daughter but she is the one who has been so focused on her studies and putting it in between them. Any other guy, I wouldn't be talking to him about her at all. There is no way in hell I would even mention this hypothesis, he has to figure out his feelings himself. To me it feels like she is testing him to see if he will find someone else to tell them he loves them. If he can endure this emptiness for a while, he could win her, but I can't tell him to wait out this storm. He has to hold on to the boat and ride the waves himself. She might be right, and that he is in love with love and any port in the storm would do. I have told her that he is such a good looking guy that his looks will attract the girls but she is in the same boat with her good looks so I think she feels that he should be able to shun that kind of attention. It was Grammas birthday so everybody wet out to Brampton to visit her. Monica and April sang all the way there and back. April will sing when Monica sings, Monica remembers all the words even as well as April. April's voice is so beautiful and in class they say her range is so extensive that she could even sing opera! Annie at 11/13/2003 04:02:00 a.m. Razor Sharp Memories It was hard to read the post the other day. I was searching different blogs and I randomly fell into this girls life and could sympathize. I felt uncomfortable partly because of the subject but mostly that she was able to talk about it and I wasn't until decades past. When she talked about scaring I examined my wrist just as I have many times over the years. The wound healed long ago on the outside but I still felt hurt on the inside. When I showed my husband the only remnants of that time in my life, they are little lines faded into the same color as the rest of my skin. The lines - lines like a tic tac toes board. Funny eh? It made me laugh out loud when I made them too. It wasn't something that I had planned, even when I went into the bathroom it was not an idea that I had ever considered before or after. Just looking at myself in the mirror the girl that looked back was so afraid, alone and tired of trying to find a way out of what was happening in my life. It was impulse. I was so useless that I didn't know which way to hold the razor blade, what angle, across the wrist or the other way. It didn't matter, I tried both. The memories have never been fragmented, they have always been crystal clear; how I carefully unwound the razor and gently took out the razor, careful not to cut my fingers, me laughing at myself in the mirror, looking close in the mirror and then seeing everything that made me look like my dad. My thoughts of my dad saved me that day. I didn't want him or my brother to find me and be sad. I knew that both of them would be terribly sad. I knew for sure they loved me and I didn't want to let them down. So I stopped. I tried to clean up the mess that I made. We had a plastic crate drop ceiling and somehow I managed to get blood on it - a thin line streaked across the ceiling. Days later I noticed that some of the blood had made its way past the plastic ceiling right onto the ceiling but it looked brown so it stayed there as a reminder to me. No one else ever noticed the little speck. I found some tape and taped up my wrist, I decorated it to look like an Aztec design and it worked. No one asked me anything about it other than it looked cool. I was not the same, I hardened a bit, and I realized that only I could protect myself. I was a young teenager who was in pain, didn't know how to get out of that pain I just wanted it to stop. I didn't want to end my life just the pain. Little did I know that very soon I would meet someone who made me feel strong and happy with myself. That is what is so important for teenagers to know, that no matter how bad you feel right around the corner might be the best thing that will ever happen to you. Turns out I had many best things happen to me. I finally got to the place where I could recognize love finally and be content with my James. So why am I thinking of this now so much? I just wish that there was one person who I could sit and talk to about this. Listen when I need to be listened to, talk when I have to hear what they want to say. One person who might understand me. I don't think that this is a husband and wife talk. He has always been patient with me but I don't want him wondering about my dispositon. He needs me to be there for the whole family, not stuck on parts of my past. Missing the highs and the lows I had a long talk with Stacy, well I meant it to be with her, but it was actually at her. I wonder how much of it she actually heard. She approached me a couple of times and asked if I was angry or upset with her. No sweetie, I am just worried about you. At different times I said that it really didn't matter because she probably wouldn't want to hear what I had to say and if she did, she probably wouldn't contribute to the conversation, so I left it up to her and around 7:30 she came in my room and shut the door and said that she wanted me to tell her what I was upset about SO that was a big step. She didn't really say anything, she did cry but I really don't know if she heard me. She might think that the best way to have a good life is to avoid the things that make you sad. But I have come to realize that in order to truly experience a great life, to know what joy and happiness truly are, you need to know how to handle the sad times as well. There is never any quick fix, is there? I just wanted to put in perspective of what a relationship is all about. What bothers me the most is that after all of the talking I asked her to say something, get mad at me, tell me to fuck off, something and she just said that most parents want there kids to be good girls, not smoke, drink, pierce themselves or get tattooed and that I am ashamed of her because I don't know how to handle life such as boyfriends. This isn't about Sullivan. That is the general idea and these last couple of months I have been trying to focus on that very thing that it is not about Sullivan and her relationship... but about life in general. The reason that Sullivan is affected so much is because is the easiest person to distance herself from, it is kind of hard to do the same thing to family, we live in the same house. She is talking very little to us but we can coexist when she is doing it. She can ignore her friends but, they didn't even notice. I told James about our talk and the only question he asked was, do you think she heard you, and I honestly don't know. She is the one losing out the most even though Sullivan probably doesn't see it. He will be able to love again, even if it is someone else, I don't know her capabilities, if that will happen to her. If she blocks out the good and the bad only to live in between, she will be missing out. She is truly an innocent girl, she is a beautiful person inside and for the first time she was extremely happy and then she just shut down on all aspects of her life. That is the probelm, she has to see it, she has to see the good in us and she has to remember it herself. Right now the more she thinks she is being pushed the more she will retreat. I am just waiting for her to start talking again about funny little things that happen, that is when I know that she will be receptive. I have seen this in her before, so when she feels comfortable she will remember the good things. Unfortunately I had to point out the negative things about her relationship with Jessie. See Aug 27/02 Hopefully she will mull that over for a while and in her own time compare it to how Sullivan treated her. The one thing that I think was wrong with Stacy and Sullivan was that they both became isolated from friends. Her relationship with her brother Brent and his friends has been almost nil thanks to Steve. I think her girlfriends, made her uncomfortable (I could be wrong about this part- I am speculating) so I think that she felt isolated from the both groups. Also Shane is Jessie's very best friend so no matter what, Shane’s alliances lies with Jessie and that could have been a problem. In essence she lost contact with her 3 main sources of friends. Nothing that Sullivan could have helped out with. I gave her instances where some of my friends didn't like James and James friends didn't like me, mainly because friends see a g/f or b/f as taking away their friend. More party problems Neighbour Dave is upset about the party. His daughter was confronted in the driveway as she was coming home. He explained it as someone accosting her with his dangling their penis out in front of her and then peed on the wall. Also peed on their laundry room door, which would explain why the chair was up against their fence. Later I heard that he was peeing on our wall when she drove up, blinded him as he turned around quickly. It doesn't matter how it happened he should not have been there...he should not have even been at our house...he was a stranger to us. I feel sick about it. While discussing the events with Stacy I found out that Coral and Amy asked Stacy to have the people over, that Stacy only told Jessie about it and Amy. Amy was only using this as a party house, and yes, she took complete advantage of us. She had to have known how many people she told about he party and she left us totally unaware and unprepared for how huge it was. I am disillusioned with her. The party era is now over. Stacy is going from house to house to apologize for the assault of the neighbourhood. I am very offended by Amy. I have been thinking a lot about how this party ended up to the size it did, I found out that it was Amy that asked Stacy to have the party. I am disappointed in her but I have noticed that she does try to manipulate Stacy according to how she can have her own fun. April represented her class with the Remembrance Day wreath. Annie at 11/11/2003 11:32:00 p.m. Falling Leaves Looking back in my life I can honestly say that my heart has never been broken by love. Close as I ever came was in my teens when I had my sights set on one boy...the boy as I thought of him at the time but I truly thought I was in love way back then. He was everything to me, friend included. I had absolutely no trust for anyone else, he had it all. But the boy never loved me back so how can that be love? I very slowly began to realize that it takes two for there to be true love so I guess you couldn't say it was love. Still it stung and I never wanted to feel that way about anyone again but at least he showed me that I could feel. I didn't allow myself that same feeling until James. But this feeling I have right now is not even about any love I might have hurt over, this is about someone who loves my daughter. I really feel for him right now. He is going through what I felt back then, just the same since obviously Stacy is not feeling the way he does. So my heart is heavy for Sullivan. The fall matches my mood, cold lifeless dreary, the leaves mostly under foot crunching as I plough throw them. A lonely tree with leaves still clinging to the branches begin to shed as I approached. Leaves that were full of life a short time ago. Their colour smeared into bright yellow blotches as I tried to fight back my own memories that seem to have blended into my daughters relationship. My daughter laughing, making gruesome faces, ones that she would never show anyone until this boy, the screams and the laughter - all these memories dropping to the ground to be trampled on where my old memories came to be stomped on too long ago. Storybook Romance Sullivan msn names today Fuck happiness, fuck life, fuck me... I pretend I am glad you went away... Nadia says that Sullivan likened his romance to Stacy like a riveting novel that you can't stop reading, you can't put down. At the best part someone suddenly takes the book away from you. There are parts left that leaving you hanging, you don't really know what is happening. You sort through trying to make sense and then the book is completely ripped away from you. Maybe he looked at the last page first and read the phrase, 'and they lived happily ever after.' The problem is he can't tell if he is the 'he' in the end of the book. Maybe what is wrong with this family is that they don't want to cross over the line and say what they feel. Nadia has been talking to me for days about how serious this is with Stacy and when I say in front of Stacy that Nadia is concerned about what she has done and ask her how it has affected her Nadia threatens me later saying that she won't confide in me again. It is too important to stay behind the line and be and act nice so that no one says anything wrong so everything will be all right. But it is not all right!!!! It is messed up and I am trying to fix it. Does Stacy hear me or does she just pick on one word or phrase and take offence to the little meaning of the word and not the big picture? I have the right to bitch—I just voted! Annie at 11/10/2003 10:47:00 p.m.
Losing Friends Nadia found out last night about Sullivan and she is so upset that she is in tears. She doesn't want to forsake her friendship with Sullivan and I can hardly blame her. Her friends are upset about it too. We talked a long time and I tried to hold back the waterworks too. I am crying for what Stacy might have had and that she let go. Sullivan will recover, and love again but I don't know if Stacy will ever let it happen where she is that close to another person for a long time. I think Stacy will be the one that will have lost the most in the end. Sullivan is a gentleman (a joke we had between us many months ago) as I expected he would be, but he must go through the grieving process and I know that he eventually became angry, maybe even hate, he has that right, but that will be when Stacy runs the hardest. I think that she is running from herself the most. Baby shower at Sue M where I became aware of the effects our party had. The kids swarmed the whole neighbourhood, beer bottles were everywhere. Craig said that he was going to call the police until he found out we were home and then he thought that we could handle it. Everyone knew about the party that we had that wasn't supposed to be a party. There was over a hundred kids here and they spilled out into the neighbourhood all the way up and down the street leaving beer bottle all strewn about. Brent was at work when one customer said that he knew where Brent lived and that they had had a humungous party. Party Pooper I keep waking up ... I feel a hundred years old. That party on Friday took a lot of energy out of me. I don't want to be that worried again. Stacy is only grounded from the car now and she can only use it when it is convenient to us. I don't even know if she knows that she isn't grounded, she has been at home all weekend, but I am not going to tell her otherwise, but I guess she would probably realize that she is not. You usually know how long you are grounded for I would imagine. Brandon phoned me today to talk about the party, and thank me for putting up with it all, I thought that was kind of him. April wants a party and she was supposed to have one next week but I told her that talk of this one would make it impossible to contain a party to a normal size for quite a while. She is upset about it but now that everyone will be talking about the party it would be stupid to have another one. Annie at 11/10/2003 04:42:00 a.m. Party Aftermath After I handed back al the car keys I confiscated, when I thought that it was finally over I had a few too many to calm my nerves. Every minute seemed like an eternity and the thought of what could happen next filled me with dread. The music died and we thought that the kids would vacate but it seemed like even more had shown up. There was standing room only on both floors. The police should have been called, the only reason we didn't was to protect ourselves because I don't know who is legal to drink and who isn't. It wrapped up around 3:30, but some girls stayed overnight. The place is not bad, there were alot of broken bottles all over the neighbourhood but it was a very unnerving experience when you couldn't even step one foot in our house without bumping into someone. I wonder if Stacy realizes that Amy got her way? It is kind of ironic all these people who didn't hang out together while Stacy was with Sullivan happen to show up at a party that was supposed to be a small get together. I just know that Amy told everyone about Sullivan and about the party. Amy has her social life again. A lot of people have there fun back. Her 'good' friend took advantage of Stacy, big time. The only one in a position to tell everyone about people coming over here was Amy. Stacy didnt ask until today and she wasn't in a position to invite anyone. Stacy said that she personally invited only Jessie on the way to College and Amy. We had over 100 people here. Ambulance ride Monica experienced an ambulance ride and a visit to the hospital today. She jumped up to block a ball in the school volleyball tournament and the person on the other side of the net crossed over to her side and she stepped on her foot and turned her ankle. She collapsed on the court and was in extreme pain. The official after as respectable length of time suggested that we move her off the court and I was touched that the our principal snapped back that this is a kid who never cries so her injury must be bad. She is in pain and they said it will be a long recovery, 6 weeks but we are hoping that she will mend fast as some kids can and often do. I can't believe how much that place has grown, the ambulance had to come to the back way and had to use a construction path to get there, I couldn't believe all the work done and also how bumpy a ride the ambulance was, I thought they would have state of the art shock absorbers on them but I almost hit my head on the ceiling when I was sittting down, I was flying in there, no wonder they strap down the patients! Talk to Sullivan It's hard looking at it from my perspective because I could see Stacy becoming unhappy and I couldn't do anything about it, little things like her weeding for a whole afternoon. While I appreciated what she did, I certainly didn't intend for her to do it all day. I have noticed that she unwinds doing mundane chores when she is tense. So I don't know what the right thing is right now. She has to get on track for the everyday things too, she has let things slide alot lately and that is not like her, so I really don't know what to say to your question she is not talking about it April and Monica overheard me talking to my brother, they did not know about Sullivan and Stacy splitting up and they were shocked and disappointed. It felt like a knife reopening a wound, oh yeah this is really hurting my family and me. I don't know if Nadia knows, we are trying to let Stacy bring it up. It is better for her to start talking about it coming from her than for us to try and ask. So it is a waiting game. I guess when everything is measured; she does need time, what the outcome will be I don't know. Brent is very happy at work. He didn't get top sales today, he was hung over, they knew it and they had him do other things so he still felt like he fits in. When they told him that he had fell far behind in sales he went out and sold satellite dishes and cell phone plans to pull his sales up to a respectable level. His boss made him a new business card and under the sales part they put Mac daddy. Annie at 11/09/2003 04:31:00 a.m. Commencement Stacy slept in this morning because her night was so rough. When she got out of bed Stacy asked if she could have some friends over after commencement, which I agreed to. In the afternoon Brent phoned me from work to ask if there was a party, he had heard about it at the store and I told him there wasn't because it was just suppose to be a few close friends. The ceremony was shorter than Nadia's. They didn't present each subject award separately as they usually do, each person that came up they just announced all the awards they had which was alot better. Stacy has had honours every year but they didn't give her Ontario Scholar award, I don't quite get that but...oh well. I knew at commencement, when James and I heard our last name all over the halls that people intended to come to our place, I even heard Stacy deny to kids that it was a party, just a few kids over but I guess we didn't have a choice. When we arrived home we got the scoop on all the trouble of home. Monica, our strong willed little 13 year old tried to force her will on the older kids who had to form an alliance to best her. She insisted that she play her clarinet in the living room where Nadia and her friends just happen to be having pleasant conversations. I don't think that it was Monica's plan to have an audience, but rather make them vacate. Nadia sicked Brent on her and they confiscated her mouthpiece. She was livid but I told them there were no stripes on me and to handle it themselves. Then we braced ourselves for the Party. The double cohort party, the last year that Ontario has grade 13 or OAC as they now call it and the grade 12's all wanting to party together. Which means they were here to party regardless of their age, there was going to be drinking. We asked Jessie's parents if they would help chaperone as they are well known and...they are tough looking bikers. People began to pour into our house. Usually I have someone at the door to turn away invited guests but they were all uninvited. They were greeted by my presence, holding a huge stainless steel bowl, where they were to entrust me with their keys. I did not care if they were drinking or they were the designated driver, I wanted them all. Some were eager to surrender their keys; others only gave in since that was the only way they could come in. Most had been driven from their parents so their parents had full knowledge that they came with booze. I didn't know half the kids, Brent and Stacy didn't either. Sullivan's absence was not really noticed. The only one I heard even mention Sullivan was Shane, going down the stairs and it was brief. I shook my head, why would any think that Shane ever liked Sullivan? He was Jessie's best friend. No matter what Sullivan had done or said, he would never be accepted because Shane is a best friend of Jessie's and because of what Steve was telling them in the springtime, they would never forgive Sullivan. James asked me in the middle of the party where Sullivan was and when I told him he just shook his head. I didn't want to say the words; I didn't want them to be true. I can't believe she ended things with him. Tyler M, whom we only know from baseball many years ago, was arrested for home invasion a couple of months ago. Brent was shocked at his presence here; apparently he had snuck out of house arrest to party at our house. We didn't know how to get him out and we were afraid of him since he used weapons in the home invasion. Who does that in a small community? On the other hand it was comforting to know that one of our uninvited guest was the daughter of a member of parliament. Derek P was all over Stacy according to all the people who told on him to me. I never responded to any of the tattle tales, it is her life, if she wants the brainless jock of the school all over her, go for it. But he was brazen, making her sit with him and then kissing her hands and arms until she bolted away. I didn't know many of the people there, but some were thoughtful enough to thank me for letting this party happen. Some said that their parents were quite happy that the kids had somewhere to go and apparently everyone who came already knew the parents were home. So even though we were home people don't think of our parties as pcp. (parents, chips and pop) Dexter was labelled a booze thief. He had earlier taken whatever Stacy had been drinking and put it in his pocket. Stacy told him it was hers and he put it back. After a while he was gone and so apparently was alcohol from other kids. They drew anger from each other to the point that they were going to his house to demand the alcohol back. Stacy wouldn't let them and when Coral began to tell them where he lived, Stacy steped in and told her how wrong it was. Coral is hot headed when she drinks and close-minded so they argued face to face loudly. Stacy told her that if they go to his house he might not be home and it will frighten his parents. If he is home they might hurt him and the police will be called and they would come back to us. Worst case scenario, Dexter, is black, the rest of the kids are white, even though racism wasn't a factor according to Coral, to other people it certainly would look like it. Stacy had quite a fight on her hands but it was diffused a little bit when one of the accusers found his rum. I didn't even serve the chilli, I didn't want any more distractions. Our house is swarming with people. Annie at 11/08/2003 04:57:00 a.m. They are Done Could she have pick a worse day to do this? It is there 7 month anniversary today. Stacy talked to Sullivan on MSN around 1 in the morning, and gave him a long note trying to talk out all the problems that had bothered her, things that she should have addressed when they were going out, problems every couple face, but she couldn't or wouldn't face. But she let them grow and reach a point where they were too big. At least she told him instead of just ending it without a word. She was totally upset and slept with me last night. I barely slept, I kept staring at her as she slept fitful and restless. I wish I could understand what it is in her that can't relate. Things always have to be perfect for her, she doesn't seem to understand that life is never perfect and the challenges couples face can make them even closer, if they work on them together. I turned on my computer this morning and someone signed up my name to come up with my msn. My msn popped on this morning all by itself and I didn't even use it, the last time it was used was when April was on it but everyone knows my password! I wasn't prepared emotionally to talk to Sullivan, I find this so upsetting but there he was and he needed to talk. He is exceptional that way, he doesn't hide his feelings. Annie - how are you doing? Sullivan - oh don't ask. Annie - Stacy told me. Sullivan - I figured. I was just getting up school at 10 today. Has she already left for school? Annie - No she is in the bathroom but she leaves in about 15 minutes I think. Did you get sleep? Sullivan - I didn't sleep, I got up this morning and my eyes were sealed shut from the tears. Did she? I just didn't see it coming, but there was nothing I could do to stop them. Annie - She slept with me last night. Sullivan - Yeah I slept with my mom. I needed comfort...well tried to. Annie - This is so hard, I know. Sullivan - I guess I won't be seeing you guys a hell of a lot anymore...it's just that...I don't know...its going to be so hard Annie. I tried to give her the world I really did, what else could I have done? Annie - You never know how it will be, you are enough of a friend to Nadia that you might be able to figure things out, time will tell. Sullivan - What do you mean? What does Nadia have to do with this? Annie - I mean your friendships with the rest of the family, that is what I thought you were talking about. Stacy is here right now do you want to talk to her? Annie - Hello? Sullivan - I don't think she wants to talk to me. I don't want to bother her Annie(Stacy) - Its me. Stacy Sullivan - She has other things to do other than listen to me Annie (Stacy) - I'm here aren't I? Sullivan - She heard enough last night Sorry I wasn't looking at the screen Annie (Stacy) - Its ok Sullivan - How did you sleep, I heard you slept with your mom too? Annie(Stacy) - ya Sullivan - I tried to, didn't work out too well Annie(Stacy) - snoring? Sullivan - no crying Annie - I know what u mean Sullivan - Its hard to sleep when you have 50 million things running through your head. I analyzed everything last night from the first kiss to the first fight...everything. All I can say is that its no ones fault that you threw that ringolo in my eye and made me fall in love with you...everything after that was me...was me as a whole...every choice I made was for myself to be happy...whether you were in them or not...whether they benefited us or not. Annie(Stacy) - I know. You shouldn't do that to yourself, nobody knows why things happen like they do, don't be hard on yourself, and hopefully you wont be hard on me. Sullivan - I guess I should have gotten the cell phone back...then we could have at least text each other, you know I still just want to hold you, kiss you and call you mine. But it's not time for that anymore, I know. Its kinda hard when I lose someone like you...all I can do is feel failure... Annie(Stacy) - I have to get going, my rides coming and I need breakfast. Sullivan - I am gonna stop by for a little today...or do you think it isn't a great idea? You said you would tell me in the morning. Its fine either way. Annie(Stacy) - When, cuz I have to get a shirt for commencement and my mom has to be with me cuz I'm grounded. Sullivan - Its up to you...cause I am done at 2...actually don't worry about it, we'll do it another time. Its no biggy Annie(Stacy) - That would be better for me. Sullivan - Have a good day...Don't forget your stick...so you can beat of all the guys...most importantly me. Bye for now Annie(Stacy) - lol...bye Annie - It is Annie again Sullivan's name now changed to... .....leave me the fuck alone..... - hi Annie - Someone set msn up as our homepage so I guess that is why I have all this new stuff popping up .....leave me the fuck alone..... - i see Annie - are you going to try to sleep at all before that? .....leave me the fuck alone..... - nope. I won't be sleeping for a couple days I know that for sure......you know Stacy was the first girl I ever lost sleep over Annie - It is hard when you care so much and that she is not wanting to hurt you too...but she did .....leave me the fuck alone..... - Its just never hurt this much before, not after breaking up with anyone. I know she did, there's no way she couldn't have. Don't know how or why she thought she could have avoided it. Annie - Have you gone out with alot of girls? I really don't know your history. .....leave me the fuck alone..... - yep, 4 major ones...like over 6 months. This hurt more than Kay and we were together for a year and a half. Annie - I guess because she still cares for you. But it is hard to figure out. .....leave me the fuck alone..... - It just doesn't make sense to me...if she still has suck strong feelings for me like she said then why is she leavening...yo know what I mean...I know it is hard to figure out. Annie - I guess she just needs time to herself to figure out what she needs. I think we both knew that she was feeling overwhelmed, and I still think that. .....leave me the fuck alone..... - The one thing that bothers me is that she let it all out last night.....if she would have told me the things that were bothering her.....like from months ago....we wouldn't have been having that conversation last night. She let them all build up and it was her that drew away. Yeah....she's made up her mind on my part though.....and I am obviously not what she needs. Annie - I talked to her about that too, but unfortunately I look at her and I realize that I was like that too. That is why a about a month ago I was trying to get her to express herself and it was frustrating because she couldn't do it. .....leave me the fuck alone..... - I even fought for her and nothing......usually i just roll over and try to be the understanding friend.....this time I actually fought for what I wanted and still nothing. Annie - I know. I got 'the wall' too. .....leave me the fuck alone..... - But i guess she's got it out....it just happened at our expense. I'm just scared that in this alone time someone else will come along. Annie - It took me a long time to tell people how I felt, it is part of growing up and it was the hardest thing for me to do. .....leave me the fuck alone.....- I don't want to have false hopes.....but I can always see us getting back together....but the longer she is alone....the less that seems possible. Annie - No she said that there is no one else, she isn't even thinking that way, that won't be happening because she needs to be alone. .....leave me the fuck alone.....- I think I am going to adopt that wall policy....it seems that it is safe......and has worked for everyone else iI have ever been with.....all i do is try to break it down and get inside.....play offensively......but I think I might change benches on the....play more defence. Annie - If she is not alone then that means someone else might come, I think she needs to try and stick to her idea that she has to see what it is like to be only her for a while that might be the best thing for her. .....leave me the fuck alone..... - I guess. Yeah.....but i know that will be for good.....I've been there before.....what we had will just become a learning experience for her......something to learn from......not go back to. Annie - Just be yourself Sullivan, you have so much to offer someone, we can see that. .....leave me the fuck alone..... - yeah but that's not what I want for myself anymore....at least not for a while. I just wanted that someone to be Stacy but iI guess she's right....."it just didn't work out" Annie - you never know, time will tell. .....leave me the fuck alone..... - lets just say this.....I'll be single for a long time......thats for sure. I hate time.....and I hate feeling like shit.....I just wanted to live how i was living. I liked it it was great. Annie - I think she will too, it hasn't ever been that way for her, she doesn't want someone else so that is a good sign. .....leave me the fuck alone..... - Now iI have to get used to a whole new life. Annie - College is the right place to be with people and your course has allowed you to know all of people. .....leave me the fuck alone..... -yeah, you're probably right Annie - It will be a hard adjustment here too. .....leave me the fuck alone..... - but no one can know....or else I will be swarmed by the flock.....and I really don't want that. I know.....being n rez will help it though....I'll always have someone to talk to. Annie - That right... oh shoot I forgot I have to walk the dog early this morning I have to quickly drive to the park so I will talk to you later, take very good care and don't be a stranger. .....leave me the fuck alone.....- I'll try. I think it will be easier said than done. Annie - I consider you a personal friend...a close one. Bye .....leave me the fuck alone..... - have a good day. Thank you and the same for me...you were like the only one I ever opened up to this much other than Stacy...bye Do I Know You? Something very nice happened to me today-- just made my day. I was sitting in Tim Horton's with Nellie and Marita friends when a guy who had been staring at me from a distance came up to me and asked if I was Annie. I said yes and he looked at me so happy. I didn't know how to ask him who he was and then he said "it's Jeff...Laurie's cousin!" I couldn't believe that he would recognize me after all the years that has gone by! He talked to me for about 10 minutes, said some very nice things about our teen years. He explained that he knew my brother Dave and his doctor was my brother and then I added that I worked for his dad and did ceramics with his mom. I was so touched that he would remember after over 25 years! I barely could fit my head through the door after that! It was good seeing Nellie, she was more herself than any other time. She was able to speak what was on her mind and not pretend everything was always alright. I am glad she could confide in Marita and me. Guys - Figure Them Out April has been battling with a guy named Brandon, a guy she liked. At the beginning of the year there were getting along like best of friends. One of her friends that she confided in felt it was her duty to tell the guy how much April liked him. After that he treated her so mean. Poor April was disillusioned and now she finds out from Brandon that he knew about her liking him so he treated her poorly so April wouldn't like him. April can't believe that a guy could be so dense as to sacrifice a good friendship instead of just telling her! Now he is trying to be so sweet to her now but she doesn't know what to think of the jerk. Annie at 11/07/2003 04:44:00 a.m. Drama I don't really want to scrub my fingers off. The dye of the bright burnt orange paint is smeared all over my hands, evidence of a happy memory with April. It was quick, not planned. April has been working so hard in drama class, the group work is not turning out how she thought it would, and the kids won't do their share. This week the group said that they didn't care if they got zero, they weren't going to help prepare. Last week's group didn't help either, in fact when they read all the lines that April wrote, she stumbled on a line, so she got a lower mark than the others who did nothing but read the lines. As we were leaving for school she was complaining about many lines she had written and that she even had to make the props when she realized that she forgot to make a slice of pizza for the play. She panicked, needed a quick fix. I remembered that we had the cardboard circle from last night's pizza so she retrieved it. I grabbed the box of paints and rummaged through them, there were so many dried up reds but I finally found a thick orangey colour. With no paintbrush I offered her the bottle and she gave me 'the you do it look' so I thrust my fingers in the thick paint and slobbered it on the sliced cardboard. We frantically looked around for anything that could be use as a topping and found a party streamer that was weather worn, who knows what colour it used to be. We crinkled the sun-bleached streamer and with no glue to be found we just stared at each other helplessly. I sprinkled some water on it hoping that the paint and the water would hold it in place and April ran and found anything to stick it to the cardboard and came back with hairspray? As she sprayed the hairspray we caught each others glance and started laughing at how absurd this whole idea was. Then it had to be blow-dried or else the cardboard would go soggy in the cellophane. I loved every minute of that time with April Volleyball 2 school practices and a tournament, then off to rep volleyball. Monica hurt her thumb but won't sit, I even had a coach try and tape it for her but she didn't want her coaches to know. Stacy and Sullivan When I got home Stacy came upstairs so upset. Sullivan had been reading to her from his journal and from what I can get out of it he must have talked to her for about an hour. She was crying, saying that she knew now that she had to talk to him about everything and she had to end it. She told him that she would write back to him and read it. She pleaded with me to help her so we went upstairs and I talked to her in great detail about everything she should have talked about to him whether I agreed with them or not, they were all typed out. I asked question after question about everything that I had hoped she could have said herself and this time she opened right up. I typed everything she was saying so she could be clear in what she wanted to say. She feels sick about that she waited until he professed his undying love to her and talked about the rest of their lives. It should have never come to this. He phoned to ask about what she was writing and she stumbled all over her words. He picked up on it, told her to just say it and when it was time for her to contact him on msn his call name was....leave me the fuck alone says: She has hurt him badly. I wonder if she realizes how very cruel this is. I so wish that she could have been able to talk this out with him when things originally bothered her. Changing of the locks Yes we do this every time there has been a following out, or a child rebelling so hard, that if our limits aren't met the threat of a locked door will greet them, and sadly, the end of a relationship. As much as I have faith in Sullivan, it is a ritual, marking the end of something we trusted. I do trust him though and I feel like I have failed him in that my daughter should have been able to convey her feelings without it coming to this. I told Brent to change the lock; he wanted to know why and when I told him that there was trouble with Stacy and Sullivan he smiled. I guess because he thinks him and his friends have won. He said that he had been with him today at the movies, not together, but they are Matrix fans and this date had been set long ago. No one has won here, especially Stacy, I worry that she has lost the most here. Annie at 11/06/2003 04:55:00 a.m. Internet Confessions Hey Darryl I am too shy to tell you but I like you (saved as a jpg). This jpg obviously made by April just makes me shake my head. How is it that the Internet gives teens the courage to reveal their feelings? Don't they know that it can actually make them more vulnerable? He could show this to everyone! I mentioned that I knew April liked Darryl and she turned to me, and yes, I was prepared for "mind your own business or are you spying on me." Instead she asked if I was reading her chat line. I said that she didn't have a chat line and no I don't read anything unless it is right there for me to see like her jpg was. She enlightened me that there is a msn chat line and that if you want you can record the history. When we got home from watching Monica's mixed volleyball she preceded to download the latest version of msn messenger and researched how to save the history and suggested that all our kids record the history for safety's sake! Thugging with a twist. It is a driving style- tilt in your seat, arm resting against the window, the other one draped over the wheel, music blaring and windows wide open so that anyone near can feel the vibration of the vehicle. My kids taught me well. This time I didn't play by the rules. There were some guys April wanted to impress so I did everything that I was told, except I didn't cruise by the guys. I stopped the van as April's head was moving to the music. It was even better that I planned because April didn't realize the van had stopped. Then she just got really uncomfortable and realized that she was right beside the guys, not moving, not talking, just head banging to the blaring music. As she quickly turned off the radio, in a very uncool panicked voice she whispered, "Omigod, the car isn't moving is it? Go mom, just go!" I couldn't hold back the laughter and I didn't move. Payback time for all the years she burned me! I took Stacy and April out for some half price appetizers and we teased April about her word Omigod, every sentence is starting with that lately! "Sleeping" Arrangements I was just talking to Nadia in Ottawa. She has 2 placement interviews at 3 and 4 tomorrow for the Senators. They are at dinner right now with James, it sounds like they are having lots of fun. I guess they are waiting for tonight to approach the "sleeping" arrangements. James always books a suite so there is room and privacy for all. I wonder what he will say to them about where they are sleeping? More Volleyball I had more volleyball with Monica, this time it is mixed volleyball, she sure keeps busy but she needs to, she has tournaments every night this week and on Saturday too. Brents New Job Brent got me good today, I phoned Brent wondering when he got off and he told me he quit. He hadn't but I just yelled, "What?" and he had a big laugh over it. I hope he lasts there for a good long while, get some work ethics again. He is enjoying talking people into more than they wanted. He says that if you show them what is out there on the market and explain it on there terms and show how it could fit into there life they are eager to buy the so called new technology. Everyone caters to the younger generation when it comes to new tech stuff but he is explaining to our generation. That is the way I see it, anyway. If we ever go shopping with any of our kids, the sales people always talk through our kids, actually look and describe in a language they think we know nothing about. This must be what is happening because how else could he sell a whole satellite system to someone who only came in for a cable cord. The bottom line is Brent is finally happy to be doing something, even though it is what I think still beneath him, he is paying his dues and enjoying himself. James and I Our relationship seems to be open for discussion from all our kids, I don't understand that. Our squeaky bed gives them reason to tease us. But we will get them back some day. Annie at 11/05/2003 04:32:00 a.m. Dog Sitting Here I am after 1am, finishing my midnight walk with my dog and settled him back to bed. He was upset yesterday when we left him alone for 6 hours. He used to have no problem with being alone, I gave him 3 hours of alone time every morning but the kids have been sleeping with him down in the basement. He needs our presence now and he got so upset to the point of being sick. Brent's First Day Brent is at his first day at work, he looks so good all dressed up, he cleans up well! It is as perfect job for him right now. He knows a lot about everything when it comes to electronics and computers. I don't think he will have to worry about getting to know his product lines. I don't want him to think about school yet, just concentrate on the now. Taking my own advice Monica, don't be apologetic because you like someone who made life miserable for your sister. Everyone has a right to like anyone they want, it doesn't matter about the past difficulties April or I might have had with her. She has the right to grow, she was a new teacher at the time and hopefully she has made the proper changes in her life. In other words thank god The Creature has finally turned human. I only meant half of what I said to her. I want to tell her to keep her guard up. I don't trust her at all but maybe I should listen to my own advise. It will be hard. French Braided Monica's hair today. Poor Guy Sullivan wrote to me today 'but again it's only been 6 months and 27 days 22 hours 23 minutes and 36 seconds, we still have a long time to go.' I feel so bad that he is so smitten with her to the degree he is and I don't think she is capable right now of understanding his feelings at all. She is that remote. I think that she should break up with him if she doesn't feel the same. She can sort her feelings out later. If she finds out that she really has strong feelings for him maybe they can find each other. If he moves on then that also will be something she can learn from. I just want her to be happy and because I know him so well I want him to be happy too. I don't think this is happening for either of them right now. Whispers James and I were having a little moment on the couch. He was draped over the couch watching The Simpson's (he is such a tv slut, he will watch anything). I pounced on him, nuzzled his ear and questioned him with whispers asking him if he knew what I was going to do to him tonight. I peaked his interest and he wanted to know what it was that I had in mind. I taunted him to tell me what he thought I was going to do and he demanded to know what I wanted to do again and all of a sudden I realized that I was the only one whispering. I clamped my hand over his mouth before he could reply. We stared at each other too afraid to turn or heads, dreading the fact that one of our kids might be in the room. We thought that we had gotten away with our indiscretion but knew in our hearts that we had an audience. April suddenly yelled, "Omigod, ewwwww, get a room!" Job Hunters Derrick and Nadia leave tomorrow with James for Ottawa for job interviews placements for their last semester. I think that the only thing that will hold her back is her weight, she is trying to enter the sports world where appearance is everything, so she needs to get in shape. They will be staying at a suite with James, they will have a mini kitchen so they went out today and bought some food. Derrick is staying here overnight so they can get an early start. Annie at 11/04/2003 03:39:00 a.m. ICQ Messanger Sullivan - good morning,how are you Annie - Hi Sullivan, what did you do yesterday, did you end up going to Nadia's party at all? Sullivan - we went to Jodi's Friday night, which was a complete bust, just sitting around watching TV, and then we came back cause Stacy was tired at 12:30, so she went to bed, and I stayed up with Caesar for a little and then yesterday was homework day so i was home at 2 Annie - what went on about Stacy going back there? Sullivan - you'll have to ask her about that, all i know is that she had to go back there late, something about Jodi's dad, she wasn't allowed to tell me. Annie - well she is upset with me, we have grounded her, she woke me up expecting that I would know what was going on and when I protested she went out anyway. I thought that I heard you so I figured that at least she was with you so she wasn't alone but I was upset anyway. Then she came home and she thought it was all right but it wasn’t and I was really upset about the time. She somehow thinks that I gave her my blessing to run out of the house with our van in the middle of the night but I did not. You can't just wake someone out of their sleep and expect them to know what you are talking about Sullivan - from what I know, Jodi's dad came over there after we left, he drove from his apartment absolutely hammered, and showed up, and Jodi didn't know what to do. They got into a big fight in front of everyone and then he tried to drive home. Jodi called Stacy balling her eyes out and didn't know what to do. Annie - she is grounded from going out with the exception of what is expected of her, work, sport awards and commencement for a week and she can't have the van for 2 weeks. She had people over there, so why was Stacy's input worth anymore than the people who were there? it is the fist time we have felt the need to ground her. Sullivan - I have no idea, I think everyone else that was there was drunk, Stacy and i were the only sober ones, maybe that's why. and Jodi was drunk as well so she might not have known what else to do I didn't go back, Jodi wouldn't allow Stacy to bring me, so I Don’t know what went on once she was there Annie - that is another thing that bothered me, even if Jodi didn't want you involved you could have been there, at least in the car, I need to know she is safe, not running out of the house alone. It was just really bad judgment. I can't say that I care for the way Stacy is acting lately, she seems just to be thinking of Stacy and not of anyone else’s feelings, between you and me Sullivan - Stacy must have thought it to be an emergency to go over, I don't think she intentionally went against your wishes. I know, I tried to tell Stacy that, but she wouldn't hear it, I really don't know what to say....it was one of the impulse, emergency decisions, and I can't say what either of Jodi or Stacy were thinking. All I know is that Jodi called Stacy....and not the other way around....so in Jodi's mind, she must have need Stacy, because at that time everyone else was still there, so for her to call Stacy must have had its on reasonings behind it i can see that. But again I don't know what to say...I have to walk a fine line about that issue. I'll try to talk to her tonight, and see what's going on, but I think I’m probably just going to get the "I’m fine" answer as usual. Annie - I know, I am just very frustrated with her and when something like this happens she chooses to leave the room and not talk about it so that doesn't solve anything. Don't you get involved in this because she is shooting the messenger boy lately, do you know what I mean? so there is no point in you getting in the line of fire Sullivan - has she already left for the hockey hall of fame? Oh i know, i have been shot plenty of times already. Annie - Yes just about 10 minutes ago, Derrick wanted to leave earlier Sullivan - Don't know what to say, maybe she really is changing, and it isn't just me noticing it, I have thought it was me this whole time, but maybe it isn't Annie - Independence comes at a price and it seems that my relationship with her is being put to the test. Sullivan - I just don't know what it is that is making her act so strangely, it has just started in the summer, and it is really trying me....I don't know whether she is doing it on purpose or if she even knows she is doing it at all. Annie - it is part of growing up and sometimes I think that if everything always is working out in a teens life, they still need to rebel somehow and it will be against the people she is close to, family and even boyfriends/girlfriends. Sullivan - That sucks. I don't know what to do, but eventually I’ll have to do something about this....eventually. Annie - I have to put up with it but you don't. The end result she might regret her decision making in the long run, whatever it is because I sure don't know anymore. Sullivan - I really have to think about this, I don't know if that is possible, but I guess I have too cause her behaviour is all I've been thinking about for the last couple of months now. I don't know if I can think about it anymore without losing my mind. I have to go and cook lunch talk about this is really upsetting me. Its not your fault it's just everything lately is getting to me, and since Stacy is such a big part of my life it is hurting that much more. I'll be back on in a couple of hours; I just have to get my mind off of this. Sorry Annie, it's not you though, not at all Annie - You are a nice guy and you shouldn't have to be putting up with this, if she would talk, then maybe some light would be shed but she won't, you know she has even been doing this to her friends, not that they would know either because she doesn't talk about anything. Right now the girls are in her good books. Sullivan - I know, and that is why it is so frustrating and upsetting. Ttyl Annie - ok I will let you go, bye Animation Studio Tour Went to a tour of a company who makes computer animation with Monica's softball team. Brent no show later told me that he was best friends with the toilet. After the tour the girls were asked if they had any questions. The girls responded by asking if he could have both what would he have first bath or shower? The guy looked like he didn't hear them right and then said, "me personally or in animation". Oh those 13 yr old girls! Stacy - Security Guard Nadia and Stacy went to the NHL hockey inductees due today. They put my little Stacy on security, all 115 pounds of her. To "show them intimidation" by standing a the top of the escalators with her arms crossed in front of her, legs apart or wither hands clasped behind her back, that must have looked hilarious. One guy offered her $300. for a tickets, which she had just given away minutes before! Goul Friend Natasha is very interested in her Halloween date, and talked to her old boyfriend to tell him that she has definitely moved on. She phoned Nadia so many times today that Nadia thought there was something very wrong and so she got Derrick to drive over to her house to check on her. I am happy for her. Nadia is thinking that they really didn't break up before, that she was just telling everyone they had broken up because she felt so foolish hanging on to him. Grounding Stacy Talked to Stacy today, she is very upset that I grounded her, says you can't ground 18 year olds. Well I think I can and grounding is something that has never happened to her before. She says that I am interfering in her life and that she can't do anything unless she has my permission. I said that she always is asking me, like when Sullivan asked her out, she asked what I thought and I said it was her decision so just because I didn't agree with her doesn't mean that I am making her ask my opinion. I am really going to have to take a step back to notice if I am the one trying to give her permission to do things or if it is her. I told her that she is not talking to people, withdrawing. I said that if she doesn't want to go out with Sullivan don't. I asked if she loved him or if she ever loved him and she says she does. I told her that everyone is bothered by the way she treats him and she wanted examples. I mentioned about how he pleaded with her to stay a little longer the last time he was here and she says that it didn't happen. I told her we all heard him begging her and she just shook her head. So I guess we all just imagined that we heard it. I left quietly and she mumbled under her breath something like, "you wonder where I get it from?" I asked her what she meant and she says that I just got up and left, not saying anything, so I sat back down again, we talked, she cried, and I sat there for about 15 minutes not wanting to say anything because I don't want to overstep my bounds whatever the hell those boundaries are. She thinks I suggested that she go for help because of Sullivan and I assured her it was because of some of the patterns she does like the copious amounts of homework she was trying to create. At that point she said that she had 8 pages of a homework assignment and she was trying to reduce the contents since she felt that it was meant to be a small assignment. So while we continued our talk she whittled it away to 7 pages. Was she validating my point- did she even notice that she was doing exactly the thing we were talking about? I sometimes think that she agrees with me a lot on what we talk about, her withdrawing into her habits, but she is hurt about her seeking professional help. She phoned upstairs later to ask me something and later came over to my side with a bowl of pineapples and two spoons- a piece offering or just a love gesture? I am questioning everything about her right now and I have to stop and just be there for her like I always have. My body aches to know that I have hurt her feelings. NEW WORD I can't believe there is actually a word that is grosser than 'the' word I have never spoken. Well once, James insisted I say the worst word I have ever heard and he knew which one it was- he just wanted me to say it to him. My sister in law overheard a student in the halls, he couldn't believe that he was in trouble because he said it wasn't a real word in any dictionary. Here it goes- skunt. Roll that one on your tongue for a while and feel how dirty it sounds. And what does it mean? Well apparently it is in the urbandictionary.com, I just looked it up and they are attempting to define it. I hope my kids don't pickup on that one. Annie at 11/03/2003 04:20:00 a.m.
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